Yes, I am that runner.

Well, what better time to write a post about running than on the day of a disaster of a race for me. Let’s start there, shall we? First, you should know that I take special pride in my ability to pace myself and run smart at the start of a long (or any) run, even races. That is how I became one of the top female distance runners in my 5th grade class. Negative splits have always been intuitive to me. Well, maybe I was getting just a little too confident in that particular skill. 5th grade top distance runner? Someone should ask for my autograph. And as they always do, God & the Universe showed up at today’s race to knock me right back down a little.

I did not pace myself well. It was hot outside. I ended up getting such awful cramps in my legs and feet that not only did I start walking at mile 11 (when I should’ve been speeding up to finish strong), but I came to a complete stop and tried to stretch and massage the pain out of my calves on the sidelines. It didn’t work. I was beside myself. Fortunately, my training buddy graciously walked across the finish line with me. He was patient and let me throw my little fit when I wouldn’t high five him (telling him I didn’t deserve it) and when I refused to put my medal around my neck or take finishers’ photos. He stayed with me as I screamed and cursed in the medical tent for 20 minutes. And while I forced down a banana and Gatorade with three bags of ice on my legs and feet, he told me some of his own race horror stories until I started feeling like a normal person again. (This, y’all, is why I believe in training with groups and having supportive training buddies.)

So yes, G & U, I hear you. Lesson learned. But as it is impossible to get depressed about running (especially when I'm still feeling the endorphins from running even just part of a race), the next thing out of my mouth was: I have to right this bloody wrong. When's the next race already?

And if that’s not the sign of a running devotee, then maybe some of these things I’ve noticed about myself are:

1. I check the weather, compulsively. Increase that a hundredfold right before a race.
2. When I get sick, I wonder if a little fever is a good enough excuse to miss a training run.
3. I'm convinced that I'm getting sick the entire week before a race.
4. I wear compression socks.
5. I worship my foam roller and wonder if there is some sort of inconspicuous way I can use it in my cubicle.
6. I’m secretly disappointed when my training buddy wimps out on a long run in the pouring rain.
7. I’m openly disappointed when I get stuck in traffic and have to miss a hill workout with run club.

All of the above? Probably pretty universal for many runners. The next couple? Even I get caught off guard by the enormousness of my nerdliness.

8. When I’m driving, I automatically think about how I’d adjust my speed and form to compensate for the elevation changes if I were running instead of driving.
9. When someone tells me that it is going to be a 40-minute wait, I immediately convert it into “a little-more-than-4-mile wait.”

Ok, yes. I’m becoming that annoying runner that I’d kind of hoped I’d never be. But now that I am, I can testify that they don’t do these things just to seem cool. Either that or I’ve been brainwashed by those annoying runners who think they’re cool.