When I look in the freshly Windexed mirror, I see my mother’s zeal

Like any good germaphobe, my personal collection of cleaning supplies include (but is not limited to) Lysol mildew remover, Scrubbing Bubbles shower cleaner, Scrubbing Bubbles disposable toilet brushes and disinfectant wipes, Swiffer wet jet pads, Swiffer dry cloths, Soft Scrub deep clean foaming cleanser, rubber gloves and several area-specific toothbrushes and sponges.

But why?, my mother asked recently.

Because, I answered, I grew up in a house that was so spotless that people took showers before they came to visit.

Yes, well, she responded virtuously, all I need is a bottle of Lysol and some old rags.

Which led to a new sense of responsibility and a reevaluation of my bathroom cabinet. Did I really need 10 different cleaners for my 600 sq. ft. apartment? After all, I am the daughter of a woman who has mastered the art of simplicity.

But just as I'd resolved to trade the contents of my cabinet in for a bottle of good old-fashioned Lysol, I suddenly remembered that the woman who has mastered the art of simplicity is the same woman who regularly buys eight pounds of toasted almond dark chocolate bark from the Whole Foods candy counter. That’s four boxes full of $12/lb chocolate candy. In one purchase. By a woman who weighs less than the total cost.

And that is when I changed my Swiffer wet jet pad and tore gleefully into my new 3-pak of shower cleaner and an unopened bag of sponges. I mean, it’s the least I can do as the daughter of a woman who needs only a bottle of Lysol, some old rags and EIGHT POUNDS OF CHOCOLATE.

In the kettle’s defense, he’s also a bad-ass athlete, outdoorsman, poker player and owner of a wicked cool motorbike

“What??!!?? The SOUNDTRACK to Battlestar Galactica? You’re even dorkier than I thought you were when I found out that you watch the show! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Shut up and listen. This is good stuff.”

“Ha ha ha ha! I can’t wait to tell everyone you own this”

“WILL YOU JUST LISTEN? This is the best track …”

“Ha ha ha! Dork, dork, dork... g minor.”

“g minor?”

“Yeah, this track. You know, it’s in g minor…”

Said the violinist teapot to the Sci-Fi watching kettle.

Fall Shmall. At least I saved the lovely white Benetton leather.

I have a tolerance that lets me drink about ½ a cocktail before I start finishing sentences that I forgot I started. So I expected that something might happen when I went to the Fall Creek Vineyards Annual Grape Stomp and Harvest Festival in Tow, Texas.

Sure enough, one minute I was gliding along the dirt road in my white shorts, white bag and pretty white shoes
and the next minute, I was staring at the little dirt road pebbles that were 3 inches from my face and desperately reaching for my handbag so that I could brush off the dirt before it seeped into the pristine white leather.

Absolutely, I expected this to happen. It’s just that I thought it would happen after I’d had 8 kinds of wine instead of before I’d even made it to the entrance of the festival.

And do they think that kitten heels are found on furry paws?

The Boy: How tall are you in heels?

Me (after having picked myself off the floor from fainting at the complexity of this question, my mind reeling from mentally going through my entire collection of heels): You are asking me an extremely complicated question.

Have they never noticed that 4-inch heels are, you know, about 2 ½ inches higher than 1½ -inch heels?

(By the way, I did that math about 10 times in my head to make sure it was right, so if anyone tells me that it’s wrong, I will throw myself out the window and grudgingly admit that The Boy at least knows how to add simple fractions.)

One short year of purist AP English, one long career of writing headlines for milk ads

Me at 17 from my back corner seat in my high school English class:

Cliff Notes? For WUSSIES. I am a purist, damnit. (even though I’d used them for the past 3 years) Yes, anyone who STILL uses Cliff Notes for additional insight needs to learn to come up with her OWN f-in' ideas. And anyone who uses them for the summaries? OMG, I don’t even know where to start.

Me at 32 from my front row seat in graduate school:

Don’t they have Cliff Notes for these readings? You know, just a little summary or something. This is hard.